"A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you." - Margaret Atwood

Hi everyone! This is my last post I'm going to be doing for my family relations class. It's been great being able to discuss what I'm learning about to the world. Today I'm going to speak about divorce. I know this isn't the happiest of topics to end on, but it's the last thing we talked about in class.

Some of the biggest reasons people give for getting a divorce:

• Financial problems
• Infidelity
• Communication problems
• Falling out of love
• Constant conflict
• Alcohol and drugs

The list goes on but these are just a few. 

I believe that divorce should be the very last option. My professor told my class something that I thought was very interesting: Divorce is like suicide. People think "If I end this, my pain will go away". In suicides you think that by ending your life the pain will suddenly vanish, but that is untrue. You leave behind grieving family members and take with you the sadness you still feel. This is like divorce. If you end your marriage, then your pain will go away. Sorrow and anger don't just disappear. It takes months or even years of healing and communicating to get back to regular life. I encourage all couples to thoroughly think about the pros and cons of getting a divorce. It changes your life forever and affects those around you, especially if you have kids. 

I hope everyone has enjoyed my blog thus far, and I'm going to miss this class. It's possible that I might continue to add posts, but I'm still not sure. If I do, you will see it here.

Thanks for reading!!! -Gretchen Lee

"At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child's success is the positive involvement of parents." - Jane Hull

This week my class talked about parenting and raising children. The purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive. This includes giving love and respect to your children, along with preparing them for the future. The biggest thing I got out of class was that children need to  have human contact. NEVER withhold contact/affection from your child, they actually need it to survive and remain healthy.

My professor gave an account of a real story that happened years ago. A hospital had two wings that held sick babies. One wing had babies that were making quick recoveries. The other wing had had the same amount, with the same illnesses, but there was a huge mortality rate. The staff had no idea what was causing this so they tried to solve it. They cleaned everything from top-to-bottom, and even rearranged the doctors and nurses. Sadly, there was still a high mortality rate in the one wing. One night a doctor stayed after hours in the hospital. He went into the healthy wing and noticed one of the custodians--a woman. As she cleaned the rooms, she would pick up one of the babies and hold them. She would then put them down and do the same to the next one. The doctor wasn't angry with her for doing this, but he assigned her to clean over the other wing that wasn't doing so well. After some time went by, the wing that had the high mortality rate was now flourishing. More babies were living and getting healthier, although, the rooms that the woman used to clean were now getting worse. The wings had swapped mortality rates. The one that was doing horribly was now doing good, and vice versa.

This story shows that physical affection and care will literally help people live. Parents should never hold back their love, this may cause children to act out or even gain certain disorders. You can never love your child too much, it's just not possible.

"Beware of little expenses. A small leak will sink a great ship." - Benjamin Franklin

This week we talked about finances and money. The American Bar Association has indicated that 89% of all divorces can be traced to quarrels and accusations over money. Others have estimated that 75% of all divorces result from clashes over finances. Looking at this, doesn't it make you a little scared? Or even, why don't people know how to manage money properly? 

In class my professor was telling us about a study in America. Taking the traditional, stereotypical family (mom, dad, 2 kids) a professional account was asked to figure out their net income. The father makes $41,000 a year working 45 hours and the mother makes $21,000 working 35 hours. Because both the parents work, the children have to be sent to day care. Also, the couple is using more money on gas and eating out (since they have no time to cook). The wife is also making more purchases because she believes there is more money to spend. The accountant went through the numbers and found out that if the mother were to stop working and stay at home with the kids, they would actually be saving money. He calculated that their net income was $40, 500. That means that the wife is wasting 35 hours of her day and still losing money. But, if she watched the children instead of having them go to day care, and making more home meals, etc. The family would actually be able to make the fathers full $41,000.

Its crazy to think that this is happening to the average American family What we all need to do is sit down and make a budget. A budget helps you plan and evaluate your expenditures. It helps you to spend less, and save more.

"Effective communication is 20% what you know and 80% how you feel about what you know." - Jim Rohn

Have you ever heard the phrase "communication is key"? It means that if you want to have a good, healthy relationship with someone, you need to communicate with them. I always knew this was essential but after attending my family relations class this week, it now holds a deeper meaning for me. There were many point is class that we discussed and I would like to bring them up.

1st- In relationships you have to bilingual. One thing you say could mean something entirely different to your spouse/partner. Everyone grew up in different families, living in different backgrounds. To one person something might me good and fun, to another it could be horrible and dangerous. You never know how others will interpret what you say, so you need to say everything clearly without making a misunderstanding.

2nd- Say what you mean and mean what you say. People cant read minds and giving them hints doesn't work.

Finally, if you need help with marital communication, these bullet points should help:

• Discuss the way you spend your income.
• Discuss work and interests with each other.
• Express your feelings with each other.
• Avoid saying things that irritate each other.
• Have pleasant mealtime conversations.
• Listen to each other.
• Support each other.
• Communicate affection and regard.
• Avoid the silent treatment.
• Confide in each other.

"Something good comes out of every crisis." - Dave Pelzer

This week in class we talked about family crisis and stress. This can include (but is not limited to); death, physical abuse, drug abuse, violence, and sickness. While this topic is very serious, I want to focus more on how to cope or get through these times.

Strengths that can help make a family resilient:

• Relationships that foster problem solving skills.
• Celebrations, birthdays, holidays.
• Good financial management.
• A good social support from friends and family.
• Health, both physical and emotional.
• Acceptance of other family members personality and behavior.

What will help:

• Take responsibility for yourself and your family.
• Don't play the victim with purposeful intent.
• Don't deny the problem.
• Have concern for others, but also for yourself.
• Redefine the way you look at the problem/crisis.
• Turn to family, therapist, religion, etc for strength.
• If none of these work, you can always anonymously send me a message and I can try to help :)

“There are all kinds of ways for a relationship to be tested, even broken, some, irrevocably; it’s the endings we’re unprepared for.” - Katherine Owen

Fidelity is defined as a strict observance of promises, loyalty, and faithfulness. With such a beautiful meaning why do so many relationships struggle with disloyalty and adultery? Everyone knows what being unfaithful entails; physical intimacy with someone else besides your spouse/partner. But did you know there are more ways then just physical? There are 4 types of affairs: (These all say their for your spouse but can also be applied to your boyfriend/girlfriend)

Fantasy affair: 
Having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place, or with someone who is anonymous and would likely never be met.
Ex. Going to someone other than your spouse for support, comparing your spouse, spending too much time with a person of the opposite gender of your spouse.

Visual affair/pornography:
Visual Affairs, such as pornography are perhaps the most common type of infidelity.
Ex. Having your eyes "wander", pornography, and having desires for anyone besides your spouse.

Romantic affair:
This occurs when an individual becoming emotionally involved with a specific person other than his or her spouse. A romantic affair is characterized by a “second life” and is a result of trying to escape the monotony of everyday life. Ex. A thrill to try exciting new things with another person.

Sexual affair:
This occurs when a person engages in sexual acts outside the bonds of marriage with or without emotional attachment. I say in the bonds of marriage because I believe that sex should only be done after marriage.

All of these are very serious and easy to get trapped in. I urge everyone to stay strong in their marriages! An affair only leads to misery and guilt.

Info takes from this site: file:///C:/Users/Gretchen/Documents/WINTER%202016/FAML160%20Family%20Relations/Affair%20Prevention.pdf

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin

This week in class we discussed marriage. Many people think of marriage in very different ways. To me, it means a man and woman bonded in holy matrimony, sealed for time and all eternity. To others it's probably different but I love the way my family and religion views it. Whether your engaged or married there are important tasks/things that must be talked about.

Engagement tasks:

• Learn about yourself and your future spouse
• Establish patterns
• Accommodate each other
• Establish roles
• Get to know the family

First month of marriage:

• Sharing
• Rules
• Sex
• Sharing a house and a bed

First year of marriage:

• Planning children
• Limitations
• Traditions
• Values

There are so many things that need to be discussed between you and your spouse and these are just a few. Once your married your going to have to start sharing everything from holiday traditions to the tiny sink in your bathroom. One of the smartest moves you can make is to talk about your expectations or desires in a marriage. Be honest with one another and your marriage will surely flourish.